Almost everyone who follows my other blog is queer, has depression, Aspergers, and/or is a psychology student.

1 week ago  /  0 notes

I keep dreaming that I’m cheating on Duncan

I feel so guilty every time, because I want to in the dreams. I would never do it in real life, but there is a part of me that would think about it, and I hate that. I worry that things may have happened too fast with Duncan. I love him, and am happy with him, but I still have intimacy issues. I struggle with not being too clingy, and I refuse to bog him down with my darker emotions. When I’m sad, I will tell him, but not when he isn’t here, or when it’s about things neither of us has any control over. I really like my new jobs, but I get so goddamn depressed over summer. Even though I’ve become more independent and explored and bettered myself, I still have a terrible need to be around many people to be happy. I think this is a sign that my codependency is winning out again. Even though it hurts and I hate it, I think maybe this distance is a good thing, at least for now.

1 week ago  /  1 note

No, I am not going to be sad. There is nothing wrong, and I am making good life choices, and that is something to be proud of. Yes, this summer is going to be rough, and kind of shitty, but it’s just two months, and then I go to Borger and do nothing for a few weeks, which is boring, but at least I’ll get to rest a bit assuming I can get out of the house and not talk to Mom.

No, I’m not going to call Duncan a million times about how much I miss him and how I haven’t slept restfully since he hasn’t been in my bed. I’m not going to tell him how scared I am to walk to my two jobs alone everyday, or how I want to cry sometimes for no reason at all.

I won’t allow myself to be bored or discouraged or start hating myself again. There is no reason to worry Duncan, myself or anyone else, because I am okay, and I’m going to be okay, and I’m just scared right now, and that’s okay.

1 week ago  /  0 notes

fun fact: it only occurs in .5% of the population

I’m a special snowflake.

2 weeks ago  /  1 note

oh god, after doing some research for fun, I discovered I have a personality disorder.

I know you are not supposed to self diagnose, and that I am not qualified by any means to make such claims, but the article describes me perfectly. I have a textbook case of Dependent Personality disorder. The article is extensive and detailed, but you need to display at least five of these criteria to have it. I have at some point displayed all of these characteristics:

1. has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
2. needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
3. has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: does not include realistic fears of retribution.
4. has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
5. goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
6. feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
7. urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
8. is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

2 weeks ago  /  1 note

Things that happened this week. I…

1. juggled my complicated family life, because my parents and grandparents came up here for my sister’s college graduation.

2. ate constantly. Constantly. So much good food.

3. Lost and acquired a new social security card.

4. Drank a lot and had fun being topless and wearing silly hats.

5. was invited to a threesome, which  hesitantly turned down, because I have a boyfriend, and that means feelings and commitment and whatnot. I am very much in love with him. It is reciprocated.

6. Had a lot of sex. A lot. We used a whole box of condoms. I think I’ve slept 8 or 9 hours in the past two days. 

7. watched my sister and close friends graduate. 

2 weeks ago  /  1 note

Trying not to be melodramatic

I am alone.

I will be alone for three months. This town is small, empty, hot. Southern summers are thick, heavy and oppressive. I will be working two jobs; one my delightful unpaid internship at the arts academy, the other as a hostess in a cafe. I will walk in the heat, every day, across town. I’m grateful that I have a place to live and will have an income, but I’m going to be tired all the time. The few friends of mine who will be hear will also be working, and I don’t know when we’ll have time for each other.

At least I won’t be home. My parents will not be here to point out my flaws. My parents will not be here to keep me from leaving the house or seeing friends. My sister will not be around to bully me and feed my insecurities. 

At least I won’t be completely alone, and I will be busy. I bought a lot of books. I have all my art supplies. No time to get depressed.

No time to be lonely.

2 weeks ago  /  0 notes